FAILURE CV:
Sh💩t happens.
Objective:
“It's failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.” - Ellen DeGeneres
Experience:
July 16, 1988 | BMC & DMV | Burlington, Iowa | Position: Baby
I was doomed from the beginning. On what my mom claims was the hottest day in July, in a
maternity ward with a broken air conditioner, I was born into failure. After the nurses wiped me
off and the doctor assured my parents that I was healthy. Good ol’ Ma and Pa skipped the paper
work and just smuggled me out through a back exit. Fourteen years later it was quite the surprise
to have the awful hags at the local DMV inform me that my legal name was Baby Boy Ramsdell
and that I would not be able to take my driver’s test without additional Baby Boy identification.
March 1998 | Some Elderly Neighbor Lady’s House | Burlington, Iowa | Position: Pianist
I wanted to learn how to play the drums. Mom said I had to learn the piano first. After a month of
lessons I could play some pretty mean chopsticks but I was no Beethoven. I never did learn how
to play the drums.
July 16, 2006- present | Puberty | Everywhere, Iowa | Position: Adult
My room is a mess. My socks never match. 80% of my diet is cold-cut or microwaved. I drive a
’97 Ford hatchback. I don’t watch the news. I can’t sit still. I rarely floss. I’ve never balanced my
checkbook. If a book doesn’t have pictures I’m probably not interested. If to err is human,
then I am of the correct species.
Education:
Sept-Dec. 2010 | University of Northern Iowa | Cedar Falls, Iowa | Position: Student
Go to college they said. Get an education they said. Play beer-pong I said. Smoke reefer I said.
GPA 1.6 it said.
[Many] References are available on request.