• Jordon


Updated: Apr 20, 2020

While there’s never an opportune time to get sick, mid pandemic is far from ideal. I’ve spent the weekend trying to recover from a cold. To be clear, my symptoms are not consistent with those of the ‘One Who Must Not Be Named.’ Sinus pressure, a runny nose, and a headache – it’s my usual state of being when the seasons start to change.

However, in a city where the Mona Lisa is now the Rona Lisa and all non-essential public places (museums, restaurants, movie theaters, bars, etc.) have been shut down, even a tiny sniffle will get you glares in the streets – and rightfully so. If you are sick, stay the fuck home.

Similar to most of the information that I’ve seen on social media regarding COVID-19, the steps I’ve taken to get my groove back are less based on founded scientific research and more based on an unreliable page-two Google search.

Apartment Disinfection

My road to Getwellsville began with a killing spree. Germs deserve to die and any high traffic area or surface in your home is their breeding ground. I went Rambo on some microbes.


The idiom ‘everything but the kitchen sink,’ is not cleaning advice. In fact, your kitchen sink is probably the germiest place in your home. One study found that it actually has more bacteria than both the toilet and the trash can.

Other problematic kitchen areas:

  • refrigerator door

  • oven door handle

  • cupboard handles

  • cutting board (it supposedly has 200 times more bacteria than a toilet seat)

  • dish sponges (send them to an early grave – they are bacteria incubators)


I hate cleaning the bathroom as much as I hate talking about cleaning the bathroom.

The germiest bathroom areas:

  • toilet handle

  • toilet seat

  • faucet handles

  • bathroom doorknob

  • bathroom light switch

  • toothbrush holder (According to a scientific study that tested toothbrush holders–I guess scientists do that–64% contained mold and yeast, 27% contained coliform and 14% contained staph.)

Living & Sleeping Area

Next, I went ham disinfecting every hard surface in my apartment.

Easily forgotten but frequently touched items:

  • cellphone

  • keyboard

  • keys

  • doorknobs

  • electronics

Finally, I washed my throw blankets and my sheets then it was time for a nap.

Get Well Smoothie

Next, I needed to refuel. Many sickos would warm up an ol’ pot of soup, or a bucket, whatever that hog slop comes in. Unpopular opinion: I hate soup.

I hate looking at it, I hate the sound people make while they’re eating it, I hate hearing a waiter blabber off all of the ingredients that are sludging around in the soupe du jour. It all grosses me out. Smoothies are just as nutrient-rich, and way more enjoyable.

Here’s my Get Well Smoothie recipe:

  • ½ Avocado Seed - Nutrients are concentrated in the avocado’s SEED! It has bactericidal and fungicidal properties that can neutralize different harmful microorganisms.

  • Celery (2 stalks)- A good source of antioxidants and other healthy, disease-fighting plant compounds like phytonutrients and flavonoids.

  • Cucumber (5 thick slices)- Cucumbers are low in calories but high in many valuable vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants.

  • Black or Raspberries (4 pieces) - Raspberries are the best berry source for ellagitannins, a strong antioxidant that may even have anticancer effects.

  • Red Bell Pepper (¼ pepper) - Red peppers pack more nutrition than green or yellow bell peppers because they stay on the vine for the longest. Compared to green peppers, reds have almost 11 times more beta-carotene and 1.5 times more vitamin C.

  • Orange (½ cup) - Oranges are high in Vitamin C and fiber, and they boost your immune system.

  • Broccoli (⅓ cup) - Broccoli, your mom made you eat your broccoli, go ask her why!

  • Water - Just add H2O for extra hydration and a smoother consistency.

Onion in my sock

A combination of rest, relaxation and thoughtful nutrition is the only real way to manage the duration of a cold type illness, but can you rest and relax while simultaneously killing off a bug by sleeping with an onion in your sock?

In short, no, but let’s back up.

An old folk remedy for the cold or flu claims that if you slice an onion and place one round onto the bottoms of each foot before putting on your socks and going to bed, in the morning you’ll wake up smelling like onions but feeling fresh as a daisy.

The remedy has two suspected origins. The first dates back to the 1500s when it was widely believed that placing chunks of raw onion throughout your home would help protect against the bubonic plague. The onions were thought to absorb the plague and thus purify the air. Being that the plague killed 50 million people, it probably wasn’t the most effective method.

The second origin may stem from reflexology, an alternative medical practice that connects areas on the foot with their supposedly corresponding organs and body regions.

If you put the two ideas together, a pseudoscientific baby with the face of Gwenith Paltrow is born! Onions should have the ability to pull the germs right out of the sick person. Right?

I tried it. I woke up neither better nor worse – I just smelled like onions and felt just as stinky.

Update: 3 days into it, I'm about 95% recovered, but 100% over the self-quarantine.

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